2009-12-18

Mixed emotions

What a day! A mixed-emotion day I guess and at the same time a very busy day.

Firstly today is our wedding anniversary - today 10 years ago we got married. We didn't know 10 years ago that we'd have 2 beautiful little girls, we didn't know we'd be living in New Zealand, we didn't know that we'd have a child with cancer. But here we are, 10 years on and still going strong. I got spoilt with lots and lots of chocolate (perfect for my sweet tooth) and then a big bunch of red roses delivered to my work. I feel quite special.

Then just before I left work I got a call from holiday care that Bianca jammed her finger in the door and can we please come and get her. Got there and she sat one side, face red from crying with an ice pack on her hand being very very brave. So off we went to the medical centre to get it checked out and together we all decided to get an x-ray done just to see if it was just swelling or actually broken. So Caitlyn and I came home and Terence and Bianca set off for Starship for an x-ray. Thankfully turned out not to be broken, just sore. This is so not how we wanted our weekend to start.

You know I thought today, cancer is bad. It is hard, it is challenging, it is difficult. But one thing it never did was to take away Bianca's spirit, her smile, the person she is, her determination or her dignity. She never let it. She stood tall and she has always made the most of now and the most of her life and the opportunities that came knocking. Sure she had to be more flexible than other kids her age, sure she had to sacrifice some things in the process, but she never got "lost" in the process. My grandmother has alzheimers. I saw her in 2007 and noticed how forgetful she was. I noticed how she wasn't the same person that we have always known. She used to know exactly what she wanted out of life. She was a very strong woman and didn't take nonsense. We didn't know in 2007 that she had alzheimers, but we suspected. There were many subtle signs and then much later (I can't remember when, maybe a year ago) a doctor finally formally diagnosed her and the family convinced her to move to a place where she could have the care she needed, but still have her own place. And now? Suddenly she has been moved to a ward, she doesn't have her own furniture anymore and she is just going really downhill so fast. I think alzheimers is a horrible horrible disease. It is taking away her personality, her spirit, her memory, her independence and her dignity. I feel so incredibly sad for her that this is what she has to deal with. It is heartbreaking. 10 years ago when we got married, she was the one who walked me into the church. And today? Today she is so very different than the person she was then. We didn't know 10 years ago that this is where she would find herself... Just shows, we definitely don't know what our road will look like going forward, we can only live for the moment, because who knows where we will find ourselfs tomorrow, next week, next month, next year or next decade? We hope for the best, but we can never predict. I so wish things were different for my grandmother!

4 comments:

ShiQing said...

Happy 10th Wedding Anniversary!

Bianca is brave and strong, so are the whole White family =)

Sandrea

Sharon said...

Congratulations to you and Terrence on your 10 year anniversary! Quite a milestone!

Kristy said...

happy anniversary and prayers are still being sent your way.





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The Clam said...

I completely understand having mixed emotions... it's hard to see ppl you love deteriorate in front of your eyes and remember them as they used to be...

Happy 10th Anniversary! Here's to many more happy years.

xxxx