That little nagging voice...

So no further pain at the side where Bianca had shingles the last time. So maybe it really was just that she heard me discussing it with Terence? I'm really glad.

She's been falling quite regularly at school, usually when she plays or when they have fitness and it seems to be most days. So right now Bianca has a number of bruises on her legs. At least I know where the bruises are coming from because if I didn't know she fell at school, then I would start wondering (and worry) about these bruises and why so many? But that's Vincristine for you, all right! It has a habit of affecting reflexes and kids' ability to balance and walk and so on.

This afternoon Caitlyn was sitting on the couch next to Jody and suddenly she started crying a little bit, holding her foot. Her foot looked quite red and it seemed as if she sat on her foot which probably resulted in pins-and-needles. I tried remembering how I was told about the pins-and- needles sensation when I was little, I mean how would you describe it to a small child or how would they describe it to you? Not that Caitlyn would be able to anyway as she can't really talk as yet, but it just made me wonder.

Only 2 more days and then school holidays and Bianca officially completed her very first term at school. It still feels so unreal, just a couple of months ago we didn't think Bianca would be able to go to school as the doctor in Wellington wasn't too keen for her to start school, but she managed really well and apart from a relatively minor cold (slight runny nose and some coughing), it's been pretty good.

I do find myself feeling fairly paranoid at the moment. I guess with everything that happened in the first part of our treatment, I sort of feel as if this is almost the calm before the storm. It almost feels too good to be true that things are going well. It's been several months now that things are really stable, but experience taught me that things can happen suddenly, without warning and usually when you are not prepared. There is always this little nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me not to get too relaxed. But that is life for us. One moment you have this relaxed outlook on life, not caring about the odd high temperatures or runny noses, or coughs or bruises (I mean all kids get bruises, right?). And then the next your child is diagnosed with leukemia and you have to actively keep an eye on temperatures, a runny nose or a cough isn't just a simple thing anymore, it might be more, so yes, being paranoid is part of the job. I hate it though, I hate being paranoid and sometimes when I notice the odd bruise on Caitlyn's legs I feel my heart beating faster and I have to remind myself that there really is no need to worry, they are just bruises. But that's how it is, I'll always worry about bruises - after all that was one of our predominant signs (even though we didn't know it at the time and even though that wasn't what prompted us to take Bianca to the doctor).


kristy said...

Thinkning of you all..

Sam said...

Hi Lea

I read your blog posts and I think you are a very strong person and an amazing mommy!
I always wonder why such young children much endure so much??
I wish and I pray that your little Bianca will overcome this terrible illness - always in in my prayers.