Behind

I'm so far behind in my emails and catching up on other blogs, but I guess it is just a matter of finding our new routines.

I knew this month was going to be busy and just tonight I realised that basically all our weekends are all booked already, this coming Saturday we are going to view a possible party venue for Bianca, next Saturday we have the car boot sale at the school, weekend after that Bianca and I will do the Shore to Shore which is a 5km walk and sort of a fun and healthy way to help the school. And then the last Saturday of the month we hope to join in a planned CCF activity. And in between we are still trying to pack - that's right folks! We have packed a total of 3 boxes so far. I have a feeling this is going to be one of those mad last-minute rushed jobs, but hey, if it wasn't for the last minute nothing would ever get done!

Bianca had a hospital visit today, just for a blood test and a quick meeting with Bianca's doctor. He is very very happy with her blood levels and they are doing exactly what they are supposed to and where he was hoping they would be after the last increase. So we will remain on this dose for now.

Going back to work has been pretty good so far (okay so it's only been my second day), but I've worked in this position a number of years ago and with a lot of the same people, so in that respect it feels good (they even still have the notes I put together on how to do some of the stuff when I left the last time). It is more exhausting though because suddenly I have to wake up at 5:45 in the mornings, have to actually wear something half-decent and put some thought into that (I can't just grab a pair of jeans and a t-shirt), leave the house by 7:45, catch the bus by 7:50, be at work by 8:30 (I mean technically I am a temp so probably don't have to be 100% on time, but I do like being on time).

It is a bit scary too because I work with salaries and wages as part of what I need to do and even though it is pretty much the same as when I last did it, I keep worrying that I will mess up somehow (and you can't really afford to mess up with somebody's salary). But I guess at some point I will get my confidence back. That's the one thing that I have to say happened through the cancer journey - I have to some extend lost a bit of confidence. I feel comfortable when I am in a situation that is familiar, where I know what is happening, but now suddenly I'm back in a situation that is different, away from my comfort zone and it is a little tough stepping outside that comfort zone.

And at times the "what ifs" want to start taking over. In 2007 I got a really cool job offer. One I really really wanted, and then 2 days later Bianca was admitted to hospital and by the Monday I had to email my new boss to say that I needed to withdraw from the job offer. And then in 2008 I got a contract job and just about the time that they made me the offer Bianca got shingles and we landed up in isolation for a good number of weeks. I managed to work part time and the person I helped out didn't ever really give me anything to do, so even with being there pretty much only part time I coped really well with the work load that was given to me, but still, here I was accepting an offer and then Bianca landed up in hospital again. So of course at times I can't help wondering what lies around the next "corner" for us. And this time is different, we don't have an au pair who can help out with the kids, and the temp job I am in is pretty much a full time temp job with lots of priorities. So we will remain hopeful that Bianca will stay well. And then we'll have to see what lies in store for April and beyond when this temp job is finished.

But yes, as you can see, things are going well. Looking at Bianca you can't really tell she is sick, in some respects she is no different than any other 5 year old at the moment - she eats pretty well, she has lots of energy, she loves school, she's doing typical 5-year old things and loving being a big sister to Caitlyn even though Caitlyn is starting to go through a stage of "MINE!" even though the item was clearly not Caitlyn's, oh the joys of being 2 years old. It sort of reminded me of this piece that I found here:

• If it is mine, it's mine
• If it is yours, it's mine
• If I like it it is mine
• If I can take it from you it is mine
• If I am playing with something ALL of the pieces are mine
• If I think it is mine, it is
• If I saw it first it's mine
• If I had it, then put it down, it is still mine
• If it looks like the one I have at home, it is mine
• If it is broken, it is yours

Speaking of Caitlyn, this evening after work and getting Caitlyn from daycare we quickly had to go past the shops for the usual bread and milk, Caitlyn decided it was the perfect time to pretend she was a puppy when we were waiting in line to pay and she crawled around on her hands and knees, she thought she was so cute (and it didn't help that everybody else were laughing / smiling).